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No-spam zone - your details will never be shared with anyone, and you can unsubscribe at any time
Really, really, really important privacy notice
Wow, has anyone actually ever read one of these?
I’m shamefully nicking this from Writers’ HQ because:
(a) It’s awesome;
(b) I can’t be bothered to even try and replicate it because, well, see (a); and
(c) Bacon
If you want to read something proper and legal and – frankly – pretty damn boring, then click here to read my proper legal boring Privacy Policy.
Still here? Good. Then strap yourself in and let’s have some fun.
Oh, and don’t forget to tip your waitress.
I have to have one of these thingies to explain how I comply with the GDPR (General Data Protection Regulation), the DPA (Data Protection Act) and the PECR (Privacy and Electronic Communications Regulations) because God knows there’s not enough actual interesting things in the world to read, you need to read 1,000 words of legalese nonsense that makes literally not one bit of difference to anyone, ever.
The best bit about the GDPR is that all this has to be “concise, transparent, intelligible and easily accessible”. So hold on to your hats, motherfrakkers, this is going to be the shortest, clearest and best freakin’ privacy policy you ever did see.
So. Here we go…
I’m a tiny, overstretched business and don’t have the time or energy to do anything nefarious with your data. It’s not that I’m not evil – I’m as corruptible as anyone – I’m just too tired to think up a malevolent plot to steal your identity.
I collect and store the info I need so I can provide you with what you are looking at with your actual eyeballs right now, and when you use those very same eyeballs to read other stuff I’ve done. I occasionally stalk you via Facebook adverts. That’s really it.
Seriously who actually cares? Do you even know what a cookie is or does? Well then. Yes I use cookies because that’s kinda how the Internet works. If you don’t want my delicious home-baked chocolate chip scripts, then you need to block cookies on your browser — but don’t come crying to me when nothing does what it’s supposed to.
Look, I’m following you, OK? I use Google Analytics, primarily to stare at the real time stats because they’re cool but also to see what stuff people are looking at so I can write more of the stuff you like. Although frankly I don’t really tend to do that, mainly because I’ve forgotten the password and am pretty crap at that sort of thing.
I also have the Facebook Pixel installed so that I can sell you stuff. Yes you heard it. I am a business and – shocker – I want you to spend money on my lovely books. The Facebook Pixel means that I can see how people interact with my site and with Facebook adverts and then I try to flog you relevant stuff.
If you’ve not seen the Facebook Ads analytics dashboard… MAN ALIVE it’s stalker central. That shit is a terrifying Black Mirror horror show. If you’re not on Facebook – well-bloody-done… but the pixel is tracking you anyway.
None of these things store any super personal data about you but probably they nab your IP address, not that I’d know where to look for it or what to do with it. All I see is that a person or many people have interacted with my website and ads in a particular way. You can mess with me by doing something totally unexpected on my website and skewing my stats. Or you could do something way more fun and useful with your time LIKE READING MY BOOKS.
DATA!! It’s all about the data, baby. A literal fuck-tonne of petabytes whirring around the world and what? What’s it all for? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? What will future historians actually see of us and our slowly collapsing society????
Ahem. So. I store your data in a few different places and use it in a couple of different ways. You ready for this?
Here on this website! If you register with the site or sign up for a newsletter I will store your name and email address. If you buy stuff direct from me (if I ever get round to doing that sort of thing in a maniacal, I-will-take-on-Amazon-and-win type of crazed drunken trip), I will store your name, email address, postal address, phone number if you give it to me, and purchase history. Your payment details ARE NOT held on the site. I obviously go to the maximum effort to keep your data secure and I’m the only one who has access to it. And even then I never really look at it because I’ve got better things to do: like writing and reading and eating and acting like a glorified slave to my dogs and children. And sometimes, just sometimes, sleeping.
I’ll be honest: I do absolutely nothing surprising or radical with your info. I use your history to target you with ads for stuff you might like. Like if you’ve clicked on an ad for a book you might get served an ad for another book.
Does that make me EvilMegaCorp? IDK, it’s fairly standard isn’t it?
Mailchimp and Mailerlite! If you’ve signed up for anything or bought anything on my site – newsletter, free stuff, books, anything – your name and email address also wangs its way over to Mailchimp / Mailerlite, which are the systems I use to manage my newsletters and emails. They are (allegedly) GDPR compliant. You can unsubscribe from emails at any time by hitting the unsubscribe button.
Affiliate links! If you click on a link on my website which takes you to Amazon or another online store, chances are that’s an affiliate link which will steal your soul and trap it forever in an alabaster jar in Jeff Bezos’ downstairs toilet.
Not really. I don’t think, anyway. Affiliate links are another way for me to earn a bit of pocket money, grubby little capitalist that I am. Basically, if you click on that link, Amazon will put some sort of tracking thingy on your computer and, if you then buy anything from them after clicking my link, I get a slice of the action out of Amazon’s end. So I’d really love it if you could go on a massive shopping binge after clicking on my affiliate links. I’ll send you a postcard from the yacht I’ll buy with my kick-backs.
You can get round this by not clicking on the link on my website and just searching for the thing you wanted to buy directly on the online store of your choice. That way you’ll avoid the affiliate tracking and I won’t get my kick-back.
If you sign up to my newsletter, I will send you a newsletter – I aim for around one or two a month, but if you’ve been with me for any length of time you’ll notice that I am lazy and pathetic and doomed to marketing oblivion because I struggle to pull together original content on a regular basis. But I’m trying, OK? Don’t judge me. I’ll try and fire you over interesting stuff more regularly but no promises – I refer you to my above comment about all the other stuff distracting me on a daily basis. But I’m guessing you’re the same as me, and less emails clogging up your inbox the better. Maybe. My marketing teachers are screaming at the screen right now.
You can unsubscribe at any time by clicking the unsubscribe button in every email. Your name and email address are stored securely in Mailchimp / Mailerlite.
Mailchimp and Mailerlite automatically add tracking things to links so if you click on a link: I KNOW. If you open an email: I KNOW. If you ignore me asking you to buy my books: I KNOW.
The most important thing about this is I have neither the time nor inclination to actually look at or do anything with these stats.
FINE FUCK OFF THEN I DON’T CARE. If you want to go offgrid, just chuck me an email at pete@peteroxleyauthor.com, or click on the unsubscribe link on any of my emails, and I’ll delete all the info I have on you from my systems while having a passive aggressive huff about what I could have possibly done wrong.
This does not include payment providers like PayPal and Stripe – if I ever get round to using them for anything. If you want to delete your PayPal or Stripe accounts you have to do that yourself via PayPal or Stripe. I cannot delete your purchase history because the taxman will be terribly upset.
I use social media a lot, partly to promote my books but mostly as a vehicle for my creative swearing, amusing pictures and political opinions. If you talk to me in my Facebook groups or pages and I become familiar with you, I might find you on Twitter and say hello. You can ask me to be less friendly if you wish and I will of course respect your boundaries.
That’s it. And that’s five minutes of your life you’ll never get back. Well done you.
